I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
