her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
