the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
