I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
