dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
