Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
