I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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