Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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