I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
