I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
