Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
