I think my fart just growled at me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
