He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
