I met the friendliest cop last night
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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