I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
