I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
