i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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