OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
