I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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