Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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