so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
