this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
