I'm laying in your front yard are you home
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
