Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
