ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
