o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's shark week go big or go home
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
