If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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