I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
