Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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