it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
