I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
