can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
