Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
