my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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