Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
