for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
