I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
