You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
