Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
