Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
