just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
