I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
