Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
