Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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