The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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