dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think people are normalizing furries
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
