I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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