What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
