if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
