Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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