plz talk dirty to me
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
