Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
