lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
