Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
