she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just threw up on my dentist
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
