can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sorry about my life...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
