So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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